Wednesday, March 7, 2007

My Inferiority Complex.

I have this theory about kids who were spanked at any early age, grow up to become sexually deviant. Into stuff like S&M and such. (as common as s&m is nowadays, its still viewed as a deviation) Anyway, I was spanked as a child. Actually I was punished for almost anything as a child. I was encouraged to sit in silence. Most times if I did open my mouth I would end up saying the wrong thing, and be punished. I think this is why I had a hard time making friends as a child. I was always dominated over by the other children and quite shy apon any introductions. I didn't see my parents as authority figures so much as I thought they were more important than me so I got this enormous inferiority complex. It uncomfortably seeped into my adolescence and I didn't speak up at all, shut up when other people spoke (even if they rudely interupted me or were making hurtful comments) because I thought that everyone was more important and completely superior to me. Therefore, who was I to interupt or bother people with my lame comments.

I started getting better in my teens. Kind of realising how things really were. I was loosing the conditioning I received as a child. I knw my parents weren't trying to make me feel this way, but matter factly, thats how things ended up.

I think the first time I told a joke in class, and everyone laughed, was when I realised that I may be equal to those around me. That was in grade 8.

Getting back to the original topic, I do think being physically disiplined as a child has a strong effect on peoples personalities as they grow. Not only does that sort of thing "break" a child, it stays engrained on your personality.

I was some forums about parents with problem children. My boyfriend's mother swearing that he was a problem child and they found out he has ADHD..which I can tell you has not gone away. But what if you were like me. I have attention problems, trouble organizing my thoughts and I'm dyslexic. I couldnt read for the longest time and almost failed every year of elementary school. But I wasn't stupid.. no one picked up on these problems. As a result I was rediculed and yelled at by teachers,parents and my peers. I think that this is greatly contributed my inferiority complex as well.

Wikipedia defines an inferiority complex as:

" in the fields of psychology and psychoanalysis, is a feeling that one is inferior to others in some way. Such feelings can arise from an imagined or actual inferiority in the afflicted person. It is often subconscious, and is thought to drive afflicted individuals to overcompensate, resulting either in spectacular achievement or extreme antisocial behavior, or both. Unlike a normal feeling of inferiority, which can act as an incentive for achievement, an inferiority complex is an advanced state of discouragement, often resulting in a retreat from difficulties."

This was so me growing up. Maybe this was everyone.. I dunno. Why couldn't I have had something cool like a Napolean complex!? The funny thing is I didn't actually start feeling shitty until I was around 12. Then I started to get really depressed. I think I stayed depressed. Before that tho, I just thought it was my place. I really thought that the people around me were in total command of me, my life and my actions. I was a follower. When I started to realise this, I got really depressed...withdrawn and started changing my point of view towards others.

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